The Sword in my Soul
Updated: Oct 20, 2021
Disclaimer: If you wish to understand me better as a person, I would recommend you watch The Boy and the Beast. Not only is it the final movie Daniel and I watched together, but to me it serves as yet another foreshadowing event of his death. It’s almost as if he was trying to tell me one last time that he loved me without having to utter the words. I do spoil the movie so this is your forewarning to watch the movie first if you so wish.
I’ve been putting off writing this one. I just feel that I can never do Daniel justice. It’s a lot of pressure to find the words that would capture even a sliver of his essence. Everything I do is a reflection of how much I love him. I started journaling because writing was my way of talking to him. Maybe there was nothing I could’ve done to save him in this life, but at least in words he always exists in the present tense. I can create a world in which we both exist together again.
I guess I should begin by trying to articulate the connection we share. There is no one on this earth that understands me the way Daniel does. It might surprise you to know, but I do struggle to articulate myself. As a writer, I can be so selective of my own choice of words that I end up censoring myself. I end up being completely unable to finish a complete coherent thought. I ramble, my mind is all over the place, my thoughts are completely fragmented. It’s hard for me to articulate what’s in my mind because I think about everything in its most beautifully intricate way; it’s never simple with me. Stringing the perfect set of words together is a difficult task. It becomes infinitely more challenging when the subject of those words is Daniel.
But Daniel could read me like a book; it was impossible to hide from him. He always knew what I was trying to say. His death was so hard on me because I no longer had his voice of reason. I no longer had him to guide me through the deep abyss that is my mind. I felt completely disoriented; always having to re-explain myself. But with Daniel, he was the only one who saw every multidimensional part of me being. He knew every intimate part of me and loved me completely.
Do you know what it’s like to be loved to that extent?
It’s one thing to never know it. It’s a completely different thing to have it and to lose it completely.
Daniel also struggled to articulate his full thoughts with me so I had to read between the lines. His form of art was to articulate through movies. The last movie we ever saw together was on the Valentine’s Day before he died.
The Boy and The Beast follows the story of a young orphaned boy from the human world who is taken in as an apprentice for a warrior of the Beast world. As the master trains the boy, he tells him he must yield “the sword within his soul.” Throughout the movie, there is a recurring theme to find your inner strength in order to restore balance to the world. When both worlds come into chaos, the master has to make a decision regarding what he wants to reincarnate as. He can choose to be anything in the universe.
What does he choose?
When everything goes into chaos, when his apprentice is in danger, when everything is on the line: he chooses to be the sword in the boy’s soul. Daniel is the sword in my soul. The tattoo is placed on my core because he is at the center of everything that I do. Although the vastness of the universe separates us physically; we experience, we travel and we live as one.
I had an artistic difference of opinion with the first artist I was considering for this tattoo. He wanted the sword facing down for aesthetic reasons. The sword is intentionally facing up because I can grasp at my chest like I am holding the sword; ready to fight whatever obstacle is in front of us. As a team, I always thought Daniel and I could've handled anything. We still do; just in a different way.
This artist also wasn’t meant to be because he was booked months in advance and I specifically wanted to get this tattoo on February 28th. That was the last day I saw Daniel alive. Didn’t I tell you- every part of every decision I ever make is for a reason?
To me, Sword is the embodiment of my connection with Daniel. He is such a fundamental part of who I’ve become. I feel I am an infinitely better person just for knowing him. I am eternally grateful that the fates allowed for our paths to be intertwined, even if only for a moment. We exist in different realms but I like to think Daniel can experience things with me still. I’ll go to every concert that he would’ve wanted to go to. I see the world the way we would’ve liked to. I experience every possible adventure. I like to keep it interesting for Daniel, in case he does get to wander with me.
Sword is one of the many ways I try to honour Daniel. My absolute prince.
Always with love,