You would think that this is an easy question, followed by an easy answer. But as a writer, and a smitten one at that, I have a tendency to want to capture the perfect combination of words.
But what string of letters would capture the light in his eyes when he talked about something he was passionate about? How do I tell you that his voice sounded like the personification of honey? What do I have to do to make you understand that he was everything I didn’t know I needed?
I was perfectly happy on my own. I had always been comfortable being alone and then I found myself only wanting to be alone with him. I have embarrassing and completely incriminating journal entries of the 14 year old kiddo version of me, proclaiming to the heavens that all I wanted was freedom and adventure; how I craved to be spontaneous and reckless.
But he was the one thing I couldn’t have even conceptualized in my mind. I had never been the type to wish I had a boyfriend. “It’ll happen when it happens,” I’d say. I was having too much fun pulling shenanigans with my friends.
And that’s when he snuck up on me.
We met while I was on my way to a party that I was sneaking out to. I vividly remember sitting on my second story window sill that night with my heart pounding in my ears.
“Should I go now?.... Or now?.... Or now?”
I sat there waiting for the perfect moment to escape. I was also waiting to build up the nerve to jump- and with reason. That fall fucking hurt.
As I walked towards the party, he turned onto the street at the exact same time. We always wondered if our lives would be different if just one of us had left 5 minutes later. We were about to be seniors in high school and must’ve passed each other in the halls hundreds of times. Was it predetermined for our paths to cross that night?
I remember lying on his chest listening to the delicate beat of his heart as he stroked my hair. We would question if our meeting was fate, destiny or an accidental series of events.
Daniel was the type of person who made you admit things you’d never say out loud. Everything about his presence put you at ease. He gave you this unwavering reassurance that even your wildest pipe dream was attainable (he told me multiple times I should write a book and by god honey, it’s finally in the works). He would scrutinize every rap album that came out. He played the perfect devil’s advocate. He would die to support me and my missions, but he also told me when I was wrong and where I could grow. It was impossible to know Daniel and not be a better person for it.
If Daniel were a book, I would’ve delicately read every page. I was so completely consumed by him. Everything about his mind and smile captivated me. That’s the one thing no one can ever say about me. I never had to lose a thing to learn to appreciate it. If you’re a “You Don't Know What You Have Until It’s Gone” type of person, then you never deserved what you had in the first place.
When I think about Daniel it feels like a dream in the sense that it all happened so fast. How is it possible that at this point, I’ve known Daniel for the same amount of time as he’s been dead? There hasn’t yet been an English word created that would effectively capture how that feels. My time with Daniel is like that sweet deep sleep that you drift into only to be confusingly awoken by an alarm.
“It couldn’t possibly be morning already??!”
That’s what my time with Daniel feels like. Unfinished. Perpetually on the tip of my tongue. Always craving more.
We definitely have a different relationship now. It’s not always easy being in love with a ghost. There’s obviously the lack of physical intimacy, but there still is intimacy. I swear he looks out for me. Too much has worked in my favour to chalk it up to mere coincidence. Trust me, this is coming from the most skeptical “Religion Is A Man Made Concept Created To Force Humans To Oblige By A Set Of Moral Standards That Were Deemed Socially Acceptable” girl. I would rant about religion and how it was a psychological tool to control the masses. But trust me, he exists somewhere. He once told my medium, “Did you understand my signs? I worked so hard on them!,” in the exact voice he would’ve said that to me. Poor thing. I dismissed months upon months of signs before I realized they had any merit.
I know there will be people who think I’m juvenile and naive to believe I met my soulmate at 16. But to the very core in my bones, I am consumed with love for Daniel. In those three blink-of-an-eye years, I have experienced enough love to last me a lifetime. If Daniel is the only boy I’ll ever love on this earth than I’ve already had more than my fair share and more than some of you will ever get.
So “Who is Daniel?,” you ask. He’s not just my best friend or soulmate. He is the boy who always said,
“We must’ve been created from the same stardust.”
We always gravitated towards each other in this life. Wherever he is in the universe, I swear I will find him again. Not even forever would be long enough with Daniel.