I wasn't about to give up just yet. I vaguely heard the gentlest voice of my true self beginning to whisper inside of me. She had woken up to the frenzied scene of a battlefield with casualties everywhere.
A monster must've come through here.
The only monster here was me.
My best friend fought for me, so I could fight for her. Even if at the time, I couldn't fight for myself, I would fight for her.
I would ask to see her and she would say, "No."
I'll ask her if she thinks she'll come back to me and she'll say, "I don't know."
On that fateful night she said, "I'll come back when I'm ready."
So I waited for my best friend to come back, just as she had waited for me. Week after week, month after month.
She left me in the forever dreadful limbo of, "Maybe one day." Didn't I tell you she was the kindest person on earth? She was too kind to explicitly let me go. She felt bad leaving me behind. I don't know why. She made the right decision. Even I would've left me then if I had the power to do so.
My Goodbye Letter (Day 222)
I love you so deeply- not just for being around when Daniel died, but for the years of friendship. If this is goodbye then I can only say that I am honoured to have had so much love, laughs and growth with you. There is no bitterness or resentment in my heart. I'm sorry it had to be this way. I know you'll grow into the beautiful person I've always known you to be. You not needing me anymore means I have taught you everything that I needed to. I'll always carry you on my side. Literally.
In time, I came to realize that we were not meant to be friends forever. We were each assigned a pivotal role in each other's lives; but only for a chapter.
We just didn't understand each other. When I'm in pain, I like to pick at my wounds. When she got hurt, she liked to be consoled. We were fundamentally different in this way. I would rather my heart be shattered by every painful truth, while she used "ignorance is bliss" as a blanket to wrap herself in. Our views would parallel into infinity, fatefully cursed to never cross paths again. We would never see eye to eye on this.
If Daniel died today, I would react in exactly the same gruesome, agonizing manner. I couldn't help it. I had to explicitly talk about dying and killing myself. As ironic as it is, sitting in the garage with the boys discussing the science behind slitting your throat actually helped ease the voices in my head. I would talk about my funeral playlist (it's fire). I would cheerily tell all the pals they could wear white to my funeral as if I was inviting them to a party.
My Goodbye Letter: 2nd Draft (Day 253)
I need you to know that I know that you want your father daughter dance to be, 'The Only Exception' by Paramore. I know your mom likes her coffee double double with milk. I know your dad likes the peach juice from Tim's. I know that at any given moment, your chest hurts for something and I wish it didn't have to. I know you used to wear a band-aid on your wrist and write 1D on it. I know your sister thinks 'Young and Beautiful' is a sad song. I know you've probably eaten a hundred bottles worth of Nutella in your lifetime. I know your mom used to call you an elf for wearing those pointy black shoes you used to wear in Grade 8. You'd walk the halls and kids would scream, "Teacher coming!," because of the click-clack noise. I know that one of the rings you wear was your moms' when she was young. Whatever happens with us, I'll always know you.
I fought for her one last time. It was complicated because in my mind, I did believe I had the right to grieve and destroy myself, but I also believe I should be held accountable for the pain I've caused.
I would eventually set myself free of this burden. I would come to respect my process and my journey. I would come to learn all the ambiguous lessons that lay behind every single one of my downfalls.
But that my friends, is a tale for another rambling series.
Always with love,
Audacious Fool