She was the first phone call I made that night. She was Daniel's last text message; asking her to take care of me. She was there when I was smiling ear to ear because I had kissed Daniel for the first time. She was there when I collapsed to the floor after seeing Daniel's body for the last time. I just want to paint a picture of how deeply rooted the connection that I was about to sever once used to be.
When Daniel died, I used to describe myself as a ghost of a person; an empty hollow shell with nothing human in it. I was unrecognizable to myself. Everything that made me me, vanished. I had become nothing.
She so desperately tried to mend my broken pieces. She collected and guarded all of my shards as if they were prized possessions; patiently waiting for the day I would return back to my body.
"But he's dead," I used to growl.
She wanted to take me to pretty waterfalls and flower fields. She wanted to surround me in beauty so that I could once more see my reflection in it.
What did I want to do?
"Burn cigarettes on my skin. Take me to the highest building so I can jump off it! Slit my throat! Push me into oncoming traffic!" I was very explicitly suicidal at the time.
But she stayed. She let herself be my emotional punching bag week after week. Month after month.
I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at the universe for compressing all it's wonder, beauty and magic into this marvellous boy; only to also fill him with monsters and demons he never deserved. I was angry at myself for failing to be worthy of his love. As the one person he chose to bear all his dark and intimate thoughts, I had failed to give him the solace that he had given me.
And I hated myself for it. I replayed all our memories in my head like a movie. I let myself stay in a constant painful loop of the past. If my heart was already shattered to pieces, then I was splitting them up more and more.
What if I said that? What if I did that?
Did you know that from the moment I received the call that something was wrong, to the speeding car drive to Daniel's house, that I had exactly four minutes to find him based on his pronounced time of death? I had exactly four minutes to save my world.
The first place I went that night was his house. As I screamed and searched the area in desperation, the universe was saying, "Tick-tock, tick-tock." Going to the house first was a decision I had made. Even though Daniel would've never chosen to die and be found at home. Something that, I, the person who supposedly knew all the deep, dark, beautiful parts of Daniel's soul, should've known. I made the wrong decision when it mattered the most.
The thing about Daniel is that he leaves the painful taste of "almost" in my mouth. I almost found him in time. We almost had forever. How would you feel if everything you've ever wanted was just outside your grasp and in the last possible moment, you did something to make it float away forever? That's what I did to myself.
So, no. I did not want to go to pretty flower fields or waterfalls. Daniel was dead. To me, there was no more beauty left in this world. To me, I had let the most beautiful soul walk out of this world in pain. I deserved to feel all the misery and agony inflicted upon me.
I used to lie in bed at night heaving into my pillow. I would scream and cry out to the universe, or god, or demons- whoever would grant me my wish:
Please kill me. Please. That's all I want. Please. Nothing more. I won't complain. Please it has to be my time.
I remember wishing one of the shards of my broken heart would puncture something vital and kill me. I remember crying so hard I couldn't breathe through my nostrils and wondering if I put a pillow over my head, if it would suffocate me. I remember my eyes being so swollen, I couldn't see through them.
I wasn't falling apart. I was already a collection of little pieces.
Meanwhile, my ex-best friend's life was flourishing. She finally quit her dead-end customer service gig and got her dream job. She finally met a boy who would unravel all the beautiful and delicate parts of her soul. She finally got her dream car that she had only been wanting since the day I met her. How could I selfishly allow her light to be overcast by my complete and utter darkness?
I couldn't. And that's where this story really begins.
To be continued....
Always with love,
Audacious Fool