The tale I am about to tell is not original; it is not one that you yourself haven't already experienced. They way our paths have forged under the uncertainty of this past year has taken us all by surprise. None of us could have possibly anticipated that our lives would look the way that they do. When I think back on this past year, I struggle to find the right words.
The thing about 2020 is that, it was supposed to be different. It was supposed to be the year that things turned around for me. It was supposed to be the year that I finally I had my shit together. It's clear now, that the world had other plans for us.
I started this blog because grief is something that I know too deeply and too intimately to not share. Loss is a feeling that has consumed a large part of my life for a long time. For a while, I struggled with understanding who I was without the sadness. Every version of myself that existed in my mind was overwhelmed with a feeling of darkness. I couldn't differentiate the pain from any other feeling. It was the only thing I knew.
But 2020 had the promise of something different. 2020 was supposed to be the year that all my hard work would finally pay off. 2020 was supposed to be a turning point. I know this rings true for a lot of us.
Having an intimate relationship with grief has taught me that you don't just lose people. You can lose jobs, friends and apparently even normalcy as we once knew it, and it'll all feel the same. This past year, we have all had to grieve something. This is the reason I think it is important to tell this story.
2020 was the year I landed my dream job in my dream place. After being consumed with nothing but sadness for what felt like a lifetime, I had finally chosen something different for myself.
For me, my career is a fundamental part of who I am. It's not something I do begrudgingly. It's not something I do out of practicality. I actually like what I do for a living. It gives me a sense of purpose that I do something that I consider to be important. I consider myself lucky in this regard because I know this isn't the case for most people.
It wasn't so long ago that all I used to wish for was death. My favorite person in the world had died and I wanted nothing more to do with this plane of existence. I used to actively ignore any semblance of anything good. I didn't want happiness if Daniel couldn't have it. It was my way of staying connected to him.
It seemed almost miraculous when I began to once more see the beauty in this life. Being fully immersed in nature made it hard to avoid the fact that there are still things worth living for.
I had clawed my way back from the abyss I used to call home. I was moving forward the way I know Daniel would've wanted me to. I was finally living the life I always said I would. But of course, I had to once again lose something that was very important to me.
I fell victim to an injustice and was denied an opportunity that I rightfully deserved.
The ambiguity in my choice of words is intentional. In fact, the surrounding circumstances of this wrongdoing is the reason why I chose to abandon my writing in the first place. It was one of my first moves in a long and calculated game of chess.
My opponent is powerful, wealthy and unwilling to accept any accountability for the pain they've caused me. I have struggled a lot to come to terms with the fact that the idealistic world that exists in my mind is not the one I live in. Sometimes the truth does not prevail. Sometimes the bad guy does win. Sometimes the odds are not in your favor.
But sometimes does not have to be this time. I have had many people question my pursuit of this endeavor. I've had people ask me if it's worth it. I've had people comment on the toll it takes on my mental health. I even had someone compare fighting for what's right to swimming against the current; doomed to be swept away.
This is what I have to say about that: I know the world wants us to believe we are small, vulnerable and easily replaceable. I know that the odds aren't in my favor and I know that in the end, I may not get the justice I want. But is it really so audacious for me to still try to fight for it? Is it really foolish of me to want more than complacency?
I've said it to the lawyers, I've said it to the appropriate government bodies and now, I will say it to you. This isn't about the money. I am not motivated by material gain. I am motivated by the fact that my parents moved me to this country so that I could enjoy the fundamental freedoms that come with living here. I am not fighting for anything that I don't already rightfully deserve.
I forced myself into a hiatus because I feared my opponent would use the contents of my blog against me. I've shared some of my deepest and darkest memories here and I wouldn't put it past them to hold them against me. I thought it to be the smart, tactical move to just take it down.
Initially, I thought I had to choose between fighting for what I legally deserve and pursuing my dream to write. But I've come to realize that I've let them take too much from me already. They broke my heart by not treating me the way I deserve. I spent months upon months reading legislation, relevant cases and investigating. But more than that, I spent months upon months trying to understand why time after time, people in positions of power get excused for their mistakes, while the rest of us pay the unfortunate price.
I've come to be painfully aware that we don't exist in the idealistic world in my head, but I'll be dammed if I don't do the audacious thing and at least try to make the difference I've always wanted to. As it remains an active case, I think ambiguity as opposed to disappearing would be my better chess move. But I've already denied one cheque and I'll have no problem denying future ones so that I can one day write my truth.
The same friend that compared pursuing legal recourse to swimming against the current is the same friend that made me realize what I was abandoning. I created this platform with the sole purpose of connecting others through our pain. I vividly remember the version of myself that was doomed to see nothing more in this world but darkness. I cannot, in good conscience, abandon those who need my writing to feel less alone. My story is painfully honest, dark and apparently resonates with many people for different reasons.
And if I ever have to stand in front of an official body and justify the purposes of my blog, I will say just that.
Thank you for your patience and for all those who volunteered information for the cause. But now, let's resume to our regular blog series.
Always with love,
Audacious Fool