• Audacious Fool

Do You Think You'll Fall in Love Again? Pt. 3


Tyler is the most carefree, cheerful, happy-go-lucky character to cross paths with my story. He is the personification of SodaPop from The Outsiders. He’s You-Wouldn't-Believe-It's-Humanly-Possible level handsome. He was so charming, when it was just you two, you felt like the center of the universe.


But most importantly, he had pain in his heart.


In my opinion, this is the most attractive quality. You don’t gain perspective and wisdom without suffering. I always look for it in people. So if I like you, I’m sorry for the cross you carry.


Some will say, “We all have pain in our hearts.” And yes, this is true, but not to the same degree. And not all of us are wise enough to learn from our misfortune. That is the key difference.


Tyler will walk through life with the pain of abandonment in his heart. His father will choose a life without him and it will cripple him. He will stumble along, never fully feeling safe in anyone’s arms.


Anyone except his mother’s that is. Anyone raised by a strong, independent single mother, will tell you that this bond is unbreakable. She was a kid raising a kid. So they naturally became best friends.


Tyler and I would walk along Athabasca River with Pyramid mountain as our backdrop. There wouldn’t be another soul in sight. We’d have all of Jasper as our playground. He’ll sit on a log and light not one but TWO joints and play Self Care by Mac Miller (only my favorite song of the previous year).


Is this guy my twin?


We sang the same songs in the shower. The same thoughts kept us up at night. And we both understood the world through a painful lens.


At first, we would just talk. All night. With him, I didn’t feel the passing of time. We would only talk about the intimate corners of our hearts. I was fascinated by him. More than that, he skillfully played the leave-it-all-on-the-table game.


Then he would try to kiss me. I would dodge him; only wanting the taste of Daniel’s lips on my tongue. Daniel was my first and last kiss. I had never been with anyone else.


But eventually I would let Tyler touch me. I wrapped myself in his arms. I had gone what felt like a lifetime without the physical sensation of touch. It felt surreal. It felt so nice. I just melted in his arms. He was so cuddly and he made it so comfortable.


We just cuddled. That’s it.


Until one night, to his own surprise, I would audaciously climb on top of him and kiss him. I kissed him so passionately and for so long. My tongue was dancing with his.


It was the best first kiss I’ve ever had. With Daniel, our first kiss was my very first kiss, so I still needed to find my groove with him. And you better believe I did.


But here, with Tyler, as soon as we touched, everything felt right. It was like something inside of me had awoken. The desire. The lust. The longing for more. I thought those were all parts of me that died long ago. But here they were, scavenging for every last taste.


It was fun kissing Tyler. My mind was telling me I don’t want this to go farther than a kiss. My body was telling him to rip off my clothes. He will stop and adorably say, “There's two problems. 1) I don't have a condom and 2) This is the quiet cabin..."


I’ll embarrassingly say, “I don't want to have sex. Just kiss.”


He will smile adorably and say,” Oh my god, amazing!,” and resume intensely kissing me without a beat of hesitation. He didn't pressure me in the slightest.


I grew to want more. I remember the day he got his LED lights that change color with a remote control in the mail. His room was lit with colorful lights and marijuanna filled bong hits. It was the coziest little cabin in the middle of a National Park decorated to be a stoner’s fantasy. It definitely passed the vibe check.


There's a lot of emotions associated with being with someone new. I denied the existence of this part of me for so long that I actually started to believe myself. I believed that I could live a life alone. I believed that doing so was a level of loyalty that Daniel deserved. I believed that being a martyr somehow meant I loved him more.


No one had to convince me that Daniel wanted me to be happy. That is one truth I had always known but just didn't want to accept. I didn't want to be happy without him. For so long I suppressed anything good to hold onto his memory.


But right here in this moment, it wasn't about pain or loneliness or grief. In this moment, I could feel the delicate beat of Tyler's heartbeat under my touch. I could feel his gentle grip around my waist. I was finally accepting of feeling something good.


****


The next day I would lose my glasses in Tyler’s room; almost as a twisted metaphor, begging me to see clearly. For the next little while, Tyler would raise little red flags. But I would ignore them; as all girls are foolishly doomed to do for one charming boy at one point in their lives.


To be continued....



Always with love,




Audacious Fool



#loveafterloss #mentalhealthbloggers #griefeducation


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