I always describe Tyler as a whirlwind. He was full of adventure and excitement. You couldn’t help but be pulled along.
When I met him, I never used to reveal my name to strangers. I didn’t believe it to be an authentic interaction. I reasoned people would forget in five minutes or tomorrow or in the depths of their dementia in their old age. People don’t remember names. They remember the way you made them feel. And so, I never shared my given name; as it was imposed upon me.
Instead, I’d let strangers name me based on the information of our shared interaction. This was a much more authentic and intimate exchange in my eyes. I have been named after oceans, witches and philosophers. Only because whenever I enter a conversation, I take you on an elegant dance of intimacy.
Tell me your gravest sin. Tell me about the voices in your head.
There’s no such thing as small talk with me. You’re either telling me the pain in your heart or we’re not speaking at all. There’s no time for all the fluffy in-between. The "What’s your name/ What do you study/ Where do you work." I’d rather inflict pain onto myself than play that stupid little game. With me, you would only talk about your childhood memories or your most traumatic experiences. I refuse to do it any other way.
And people love it. They finally voice the little whispers in their mind. They finally reflect on memories that were buried in the shadows of their brain.
“But you can’t ask the same question back.”
It was my one and only rule that I’d use to deflect the “What about yous.” I used my rule as a shield to conceal myself. Anything and everything was on the table. You just had to be original and brave enough to place it there yourself.
Many people weren’t bold enough to ask those questions in my experience. They didn’t have the guts to ask you if you’ve nearly destroyed yourself. They don’t want to seem weird when asking about what your relationship with your shadow is. They will stumble on their words when trying to ask you what you are most ashamed of.
But I won’t be. I won’t waste my time on any delicate and time consuming segway into my questions. I will ask them without any warning. I want us to be open, honest and vulnerable. So I will gladly and audaciously ask you about the most intimate parts of yourself. Not ever fearing your reaction. Either you answer and I’m all ears or you’re offended and I graciously stroll away.
No harm, no foul.
It was hard to find a worthy opponent to play this game with. I would ask question after question. Never having to reveal anything intimate about myself because I skillfully used my shield.
And then, the director of my life said, “Cue Tyler!”
He had a devilish grin that welcomed you in, but you also knew would get you into trouble.
We met smoking outside, just behind the cabins of where we worked. He started off generically with the “How are you?” and “What’s your name?,” to which I’d reply with my perfectly rehearsed speech that I don’t do conversations like that.
His eyes lit up.
I would finally meet my match.
To be continued….
Always with love,
Audacious Fool