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  • Writer's pictureAudacious Fool


Updated: Oct 20, 2021

Allow me to introduce you to the characters of my life. I will start with Mar because she chronologically enters my life first. I will meet her in the first days of a new school; an experience that I have lived through seven times already.

I will meet Mar in the first few weeks of school at volleyball practice. I always advise new kids to go sign up for the things they like. You’ll find your people there; just as I had found a person in Mar.

Mar is short for Marilena. Although she is as beautiful as her full name, she’s just Mar to us. Couldn’t be any other way. She brings out the most childish, free-spirited version of myself.

In my friend group, I tend to be the more serious one. I am always contemplating the realms of reality and the depths of the universe. But Mar is my gravitational pull back to earth, grounding me.

She’s essentially whispering to me,

“Don’t take life so seriously.”

So with her, I will run and chase adventure the way we had always done as kids.

I will lose my way for a moment and we will go on our own paths. But the universe will gently redirect me back to her.

When Daniel died, I refused to see any of my friends. I would only surround myself with his friends or family. I was desperately clinging to anything to make me feel Daniel’s presence. I couldn’t quiet the guilty voice in my head to just hang out with my friends. I looked to only surround myself with reminders of Daniel’s existence. I tried so desperately to feel him in the childhood stories that only his friends and family could unlock for me. It obviously wasn’t even remotely the same.

It would be six months that felt like an eternity before I could muster enough strength to work through the guilt that prevented me from seeing my friends.

Mar was the first one I called.

I went to her house just as I had when I was thirteen, on my way to a volleyball tournament.

I went to Mar because going to Mar’s is like going home. When I’m lost and I need to input an address on Google Maps, I’ll literally type Mar’s address instead of my own. That’s gotta mean something. Mar’s house was always the spot growing up. I vowed I would make my home the spot for my hypothetical kids one day.

When I saw her it felt like a lifetime, but it also didn’t. I had always been the loud, laughing, jokester of the group. Everything that used to be alive in me was now dead. I was so different. Would she welcome me back?

Of course she did. She was always there, waiting. Just like how she used to wait for me at BT park so we could ride our bikes together when we were kids. Although I saw myself as this dark, suspicious shadow, all Mar saw was her childhood friend in a funny costume.

“You’re not that scary Kath.”

Ouch. That hurt. LOL. But miraculously, I would finally for the first time in a long time, giggle. Just as I would always giggle with Mar.

Mar is my impulsive travel buddy. If you pass her the joint, HIDE THE FOOD. If you still want to go trick-or-treating at 20 years old, call Mar.

Mar will restore your childhood belief in yourself. Mar will take you on fun adventures. And Mar will be one of the main characters in my story.

Still hate you loser :)

Always with love,

Your Co-captain


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